My Journey in Sexuality Bayraba Ven I grew up in a conservative Christian environment and received many negative messages about my body and especially my sexuality. Those who gave me these messages were not trying to do anything bad–they were just passing on the cultural and religious messages that were given to them and which they accepted. Unfortunately, I also believed that which was being taught. Much of it was very steeped in shame and guilt. After a very short courtship, I got married (as a virgin) and began the painful process of exploring my sexuality and this new relationship. My wife had been subjected to the same programming and ideas about body and sexuality as I had. We fumbled through the process of trying to figure things out, but often somehow the natural energy and love between us was blocked. Anger, resentment, and tears were the result. We also didn’t know who to go to for help. We were told that we shouldn’t discuss these things with others because they were ‘sacred’. We felt guilty about even consulting books because these were “pornographic”. “You should just know how to do it naturally,” was the unspoken message we got. As we looked around at the smiling faces on Sunday, we wondered what others were doing right that we were too dull to figure out… This continued for several years. We had sex less and less. After some time, it stopped altogether, and we lived like polite roommates instead of passionate lovers. Difficulties felt like they had no solution. After several years of this, and seeing no way out, I had a moment that I can’t really describe. It was if a voice said to me, “Try something else.” That moment would change my life. I left my religion. I began to search for spiritual answers within myself. Eventually my wife and I parted ways and I began the path of self-exploration in earnest. I had lost most of my friends through my decision to leave my religious organization. I had a journey to go on to learn to connect to people outside of the structure which I had been in all my life. Many many months passed as I went from depression from my breakup to desperation for love. I discovered resources that taught one how to connect to the opposite sex. I made friends with people outside the ‘system’. Beginning with no understanding of the mechanics of sex or relationships, I went on a learning spree. After about 18 months of this, something went ‘click’. Connections started happening. I learned to choose when and with whom I wanted engage in physical intimacy. I was still looking for something deeper. I saw an ad online: “This weekend only! John Hawken, master tantra teacher will be teaching an introductory course. Register at: ….” I had heard of tantra and had a vague feeling that it had something to do with enjoying sex more. So I called the organizer and asked for details. He only told me to come see for myself what it was about. What I found in that workshop was not a course about better sex. It was about self-knowledge, energy, consciousness and and the experience of life… I left the workshop walking on air. I was feeling good about myself. I was looking everyone in the eye. I began the process of dropping the guilt, shame, and self-judgment from my life. I learned of ways to express and experience intimacy and sexuality that fit for me and was free of cultural programming. That was the beginning of a rebirth of sorts. The story continues here… |
